Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize