I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You left your phone here
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