I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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