So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
