I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
