He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
