They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
