Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
