so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
