I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
