I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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