so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
