You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
