Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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