i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
