I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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