So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
