I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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