I think I died a long time ago.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I need a beard to bite.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
