The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
