oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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