I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
