I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
