ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
