We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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