hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
