I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize