I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
