I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
we should paint friendship bongs
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize