Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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