How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
