I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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