He kissed a someone with a penis
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
