i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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