Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
