Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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