No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
