she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize