i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
