I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize