um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
