I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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