I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
