so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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