my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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