You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
