I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
