i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
