remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
