my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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