I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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