I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize