Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize