My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
