no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
