Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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