My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
