Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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