i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
