im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
