Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
