just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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