if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
