if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
