You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
