going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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