I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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