they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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