we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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